You’ve heard the saying, “a watched pot never boils.” Well, neither, apparently, does a watched stock market. Judging from my mail these days, tous le monde thinks shares are fixing either to scream or to collapse. Even my own technical indicators appear to be demanding some BIG event, and soon. And how did the stock market alleviate our mounting anxiety and suffering yesterday? Why, with another dollop of wretched tedium, of course, sending the Indoos down a whopping six points on the day.

Something’s gotta give, for sure, but perhaps not before we – meaning you and I – can agree on a way to hold our expectations in check.  Here’s my plan, for anyone who believes that by month’s end the Dow Industrials will be trading at least 500 points above or below Tuesday’s closing price, 10476. The trick will be to diffuse our expectations so that, on a given day of the week, “anticipation karma” will be operating at a much reduced strength.

Achieving Indifference

This can be accomplished most easily as follows: If your last name begins with the letter A-E, give free rein to your bullish or bearish bias only on Mondays; if F-K, only on Tuesdays; if J-N, on Wednesdays; if  O-S, on Thursdays; and T-Z, only on Fridays. To stay calmly opinionless and aloof, the 80 percent of us who are cooling our jets on a given day should repeat the following mantra for ten minutes, preferably before the NYSE opening: “Like, do I care? Like, do I care. Like, do I care.” Let’s practice for a few minutes, reciting the following while visualizing the NYSE ticker tape moving at the speed of mildew:

“Like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care…… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I

You’re Getting Sleeeepy…

“care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care…… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care… like, do I care…like, do I care…like, do I care…”

Getting the hang of it yet?  If not, you can always substitute your own mantra. And don’t forget to do the visualization. For me, it’s a scene on the floor of the Pacific Stock Exchange during the inevitable summer doldrums. We sat in the pits and did crossword puzzles…made paper airplanes from spent trade tickets…played with yo-yos. It’ll pay off in the end, you’ll see. The market will get the crap kicked out of it for a few days, or soar to new heights, and this will end constipation’s long reign on Wall Street. Incidentally, the karmic approach seems to have worked for the Red Sox. Some fans I know actually had the games taped so that they could watch them after-the-fact, thereby thwarting the jinx that plagues our favorite team only when we are watching.